Back to the good 'ol days

Hello all.

It has been some time since I've written a blog, several years in fact. My blogging experience started as a senior in high school, finding excuses to write about my various philosophies on my life, which amount to, well, nothing. Expect this to continue, for I can safely say, I have no real topic to discuss. To demonstrate this, I have dug up one of my old blog posts from the sixth of March 2005, entitled, "This is the answer." Please bare in mind this was four years ago.

"Duct tape. Ordinary duct tape. I have a theory that any problem in the world can be solved with duct tape. Think about it. There is no possible way this isn't true. Give me your problem and I will give you your solution: duct tape. For example, I have a problem. When an individual driving home from wherever his traversion (that's a made up word, but I like it) originated, he or she will undoubtedly come across other people traveling on the roads. Now when it comes to rush hour, this traffic increases dramatically. This is a problem. Being stuck in this mad stampede of automobiles, I couldn't help but think there's got to be a better way. My friends, let me tell you there is.

"Before I dive into my highly technical and intricate plans, let me show you the steps of presenting yourself with an issue at hand, and resolving that issue, following these steps in order:

1. First you must analyze the given problem and decide when the results need to happen. If your dilemma can be contemplated and thought through, proceed to step two. If it needs a solution in a very short amount of time, skip to step three. IF YOU SIMPLY DO NOT CARE, skip to step four.

2. Step two is the point at which you give it your first few tries. At this point you've had enough time to examine the situation and make your initial judgment. Present yourself with the answer and complete the first test, and see if it works. If it does, congratulations. I commend you. If all of your initial plans fail, your skills are lacking and you must continue to the next step.

3. Irrational actions is step number three. This is where you have no time to think anything through, or you are so frustrated that you don't give a damn anymore. At this level, you perform any actions you possibly can, even if there's no possible way any of them could ever solve your problem. If this is the case, advance to step four.

4. Duct tape. Let me show you how this works. As I was saying I had the problem of many people being in my way when I desperately need to arrive at home to catch the beginning of Antiques Roadshow. So I think it through. Before I leave to go home, I know in advance that traffic will be bad. Therefore, I come to the most logical solution first. It takes way too much time for cars to go through green lights. If I'm sitting at the back of a massively large line of cars, it will take up to thirty seconds after the light turns green before I can even think about starting to move. This is simply unacceptable. So I propose my answer: the second the light turns green, every car in the entire line will hit the gas. Then we will all proceed through the light without having to wait for the car in front of us. Brilliant! Needless to say, this didn't work. People didn't want to listen to me as I was yelling to everyone outside my car. I tried to explain to them to start moving as the light turned green, but all that happened were two fender benders and one really upset police officer. Seeing as how my plan failed, I looked to step three, where I basically pissed off every driver on the road. In my haste I screwed over ever car I passed by cutting them off and running through the seven red lights. But what was I to do? Step two had been compromised. I was left to drive like a mad man. Unfortunately, I missed the start of Antiques Roadshow. I was extremely depressed. But not so depressed that I couldn't carry on to the final rung on the ladder: step four. How can this be you say? You plan to dissolve your traffic problem with duct tape? Yes. Yes, I do. The duct tape solution is simple: I inconspicuously go around town and whip out my perpetual roll of duct tape, and simply duct tape every door of every car shut. So they can't open it! Ingenious idea, I must say. If this succeeds, no one will be able to get into their car for several hours, enough time for me to cruise the streets unscathed and untouched! Thus allowing me to watch my much needed fix of... well.... you know.

"So there you have it, my philosophy on solving day to day predicaments. I hope you find my guide useful."

As we can see, I have not accomplished anything by writing this and have merely wasted your time. So please, navigate away from this page and do something constructive. I beg you. Until tomorrow that is.....